Burglar-Bill-001

Criminals to police themselvesNewsBiscuit | NewsBiscuit

The government is to introduce self-policing for UK law breakers. Unveiling the radical new scheme, government spokesman, Maria Miller, explained; ‘The old saying is ‘it takes a thief to catch a thief’ and this measure is simply an extension of how Parliament itself works. That system has met with such universal approval from the British […]

IMG_8777

Ethelred was ‘actually ready’, new report findsNewsBiscuit

Documents launched underneath the one thousand 12 months rule have revealed that the referendum carried out by Britons in 1016 now present the King, King Ethelred, was really extraordinarily prepared, regardless of the eventual vote ending up cut up 52% to 48% to the alternative. It is believed there was a number of misrepresentation of […]

Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say policeNewsBiscuit

Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say policeNewsBiscuit

Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary. A police spokesman defended the decision not to inform the vault owner nor investigate the alarm while the robbery was in […]

still capable of standing

Elton John to marry himselfNewsBiscuit

Sir Elton John is to marry himself in what is expected to be one of the most glittering ceremonies ever seen. The marriage has thus far been disallowed on the basis that he is the same sex as himself, though a change in the law means the Rocket Man singer can now fulfil his lifetime’s […]

Lusitania school - setting pride alight

Oversubscribed Middlesbrough faculty credit ‘satisfactory’ Ofsted reportNewsBiscuit

A school in Middlesbrough that previously failed to attract average pupils has been deluged with applications for the 2012/13 school year. Joan Mydil, Head Teacher at Lusitania Comprehensive, says it is all down to an unexpected ‘satisfactory’ report following a recent visit by the schools inspectorate Ofsted. ‘I can’t take all the credit,’ said Mydil. […]

all about dicks

BMW hyperlink to erectile dysfunctionNewsBiscuit

In research undertaken by the British Medical Association a link between driving a BMW and erectile dysfunction has been positively identified. It is estimated that the condition affects more than 95% of male BMW drivers after tests were undertaken on a sample of 10,000 UK men between the ages of 30 and 65. Head of […]