FIFA guidelines Luis Suárez should be fed earlier than matchesNewsBiscuit

After reviewing footage of Tuesday’s incident in which Luis Suárez appeared to help himself to a chunk of Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini, Fifa has instructed the Uruguay striker’s handlers to ensure that he is ‘fed prior to all future matches’. ‘Ninety minutes is a long time to go without a snack, so it’s understandable that […]

Newsbiscuit’s information to the World CupNewsBiscuit

Group of dearth: the one with England in it Atmosphere within the England camp: An unobservable however essential substance, with the capability to animate pundits for an hour at a time. Typically superb for as much as two weeks however identified to dissolve and disintegrate in latter phases ‘The lad’s completed super there’: The participant […]

you can stay at home and look up your destination on the internet once the booking

easyJet to introduce pre-cancelled flightsNewsBiscuit

In a bold move to reduce the amount of time that passengers spend waiting for flights that never take off, Easyjet are to introduce the pre-cancelled flight. Hours of frustrating and pointless waiting will be eliminated and delays could be made a thing of the past. ‘Flights will be booked as normal with the added […]

could be anyone...

Police apologise for referring to tattoos as ‘distinctive’NewsBiscuit

A police spokesman has issued a public apology today for recent reports suggesting that certain suspects had ‘distinctive tattoos’. ‘For example, we recently stated that a suspect wanted in connection with a triple murder had a distinctive spider’s web tattoo on his neck. ‘It has been confirmed that this narrowed the list of suspects in […]

Screen Shot 2018-06-01 at 18.19.14

Umlaut sues Emoji for copyright infringementNewsBiscuit

Lawyers engaged on the behalf of Germanic vowel alternation have filed a category motion towards ‘cheap and disrespectful’ ideograms. Too typically sophisticated exchanges are being lowered all the way down to a primary sequence of winking face, heavy black coronary heart and Theresa May burning Windrush documentation. A spokesman for Umlauts defined: ‘My client has […]

Vowels to strike in protest at txt spkNewsBiscuit

Countdown and its spin off programme, eight out of 10 Cats Does Countdown, are bracing themselves for a looming disaster because the 5 vowels of the English alphabet threaten to take industrial motion. A, E, I, O and U, are uninterested in the exclusion coverage, practised by thousands and thousands, when engaged within the language […]

lethal in massively diluted quantities

Homeopath to start out providing ‘assisted-suicide’ remedyNewsBiscuit

A homeopath in Banbury has decided to take politics into her own hands and start offering an assisted-suicide treatment. The service will be offered to those with terminal illnesses where traditional homeopathic treatments have not worked. The number of eligible people is thought to be high. The practitioner, who goes by the name Chi Wind-Chime, […]

Burglar-Bill-001

Criminals to police themselvesNewsBiscuit | NewsBiscuit

The government is to introduce self-policing for UK law breakers. Unveiling the radical new scheme, government spokesman, Maria Miller, explained; ‘The old saying is ‘it takes a thief to catch a thief’ and this measure is simply an extension of how Parliament itself works. That system has met with such universal approval from the British […]