remainers

‘Remainerland’ novel imagines a world the place Remain wonNewsBiscuit

Popular novelist Robert Harris, creator of such counterfactual bestsellers as ‘Fatherland’, which imagines the world after a Nazi victory, has utilized the identical methodology to final yr’s EU referendum. In this model of actuality, Remainers awakened on 24th June to information of a 52-48 vote of their favour and posted on social media that they […]

Heartbreak Hotel just down the road

Hotel California to assessment check-out coverage in mild of Tripadvisor ratingsNewsBiscuit

A popular Californian hotel has admitted that ‘serious administrative oversights’ may have contributed to an onslaught of damning feedback on travel website, Tripadvisor.com. ‘We are heartened to see such positive comments about our flexible check-out timings, with many remarking that the Hotel California is ideal for solo or business travel,’ said Head of PR, Eddie […]

Conservatives and Lib Dems unmasked in sham marriage clampdownNewsBiscuit

Conservatives and Lib Dems unmasked in sham marriage clampdownNewsBiscuit

A Church of England crackdown on sham marriages has raised fundamental questions about the union of David Cameron and Nick Clegg who were married in a civil ceremony in May last year. ‘Unfortunately there will always be unscrupulous couples out there who are prepared to abuse the office of political matrimony and enter into a […]

the British public finally has a choice of dirty partner

Nick Clegg launches sinister courting web site: ‘Salmond, Farage or Me’NewsBiscuit

In attempt to help voters lose their lunch, the Lib Dems have promoted their answer to C4’s ‘The Undateables’. Offering a stark choice of sexual extremes, Nick Clegg has positioned himself as the ‘moderate filling’, sandwiched between the thick, sweaty slabs of the SNP’s Alex Salmond and UKIP’s Nigel Farage. Those online, looking for love, […]

Baboon

Baboon resigns from UKIPNewsBiscuit | NewsBiscuit

A baboon has resigned from UKIP following a fierce debate in the party over its future bananas policies. Nigel – named after UKIP’s charismatic leader – indicated he was leaving the party which, he alleged, ‘has been taken over by a cartload of monkeys’. The resignation follows revelations that two chimpanzees and an orang-utan had […]

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to lead international conflict resolutionNewsBiscuit

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to guide worldwide battle resolutionNewsBiscuit

The United Nations have announced the appointment of Jeremy Kyle to take up the newly created position of President of the Resolution of International Conflicts (PRIC). The move, sponsored by FoxyBingo.com, sees the smug presenter build on the success of his ITV show, and may also help bring a whole new ‘daytime’ audience to the […]

can

Health alert as extra police fall sufferer to collective amnesiaNewsBiscuit

The Home Office has warned that it is considering declaring a public health emergency after yet another police force was diagnosed with rampant collective amnesia. ‘Collective amnesia? Never heard of it. What does it actually mean?’ was the response from a spokesperson from Surrey Police on their members’ inability to remember high profile offences. It’s […]

Burglar-Bill-001

Criminals to police themselvesNewsBiscuit | NewsBiscuit

The government is to introduce self-policing for UK law breakers. Unveiling the radical new scheme, government spokesman, Maria Miller, explained; ‘The old saying is ‘it takes a thief to catch a thief’ and this measure is simply an extension of how Parliament itself works. That system has met with such universal approval from the British […]

Trading on the raw sex appeal of Peter Sallis.

Top Gear producers angrily deny any resemblance to Last of the Summer WineNewsBiscuit

The writers and stars of loosely car-based sitcom Top Gear have furiously denied stealing their ideas from Roy Clarke’s long-running show Last of the Summer Wine. ‘Our programme features three old gits, at odds with the modern world, who react to their powerlessness by retreating into a second childhood. How on earth is that similar […]