Four UK water companies have lifted the last hosepipe bans, triggering calls by Britain’s husbands to introduce a lawnmower ban instead in order to prevent dangerous levels of nagging about the state of the nation’s gardens. Abnormal levels of rainfall during the recent drought have left gardens across the UK in a state of parlous […]
The folks of Scotland are fully absorbed on this 12 months’s Wimbledon Championship, it has emerged. Despite the withdrawal of residence favorite Andy Murray Scots up and down the nation are fully engrossed within the match within the absence of another main sporting occasions happening in the meanwhile. ‘We can’t get sufficient of the tennis […]
Jack and Winnie Sandford got married in 1933 and have been together 77 years, longer than anyone else on earth, but according to 98-year-old Jack it is a living hell. ‘Every morning I wake up and wish I was dead. Or better still she was.’ ‘We are staying together for the sake of the kids,’ […]
Geneticists working for BBC Radio 4 have finally unveiled the first GM foodstuff that can improve the ethical behaviour of consumers, known as ‘moral maize’. The maize, developed at a secret research site on the roof of the BBC’s Broadcasting House in London, will make those who eat it better, kinder, more patient, less prone […]
A remake of the seminal 1980s series Knight Rider will see David Hasselhoff teaming up with a diesel engine version of his old crime-fighting buddy KITT, according to reports. The global financial crisis, together with skyrocketing petrol prices, has forced producers into a rethink, with catching criminals now considered less of a priority than fuel […]
On the primary anniversary of its triumph over Zillow’s censorious attempt at copyfraud, McMansion Hell is again and higher than ever. McMansion Hell is the place Johns Hopkins Peabody Institute graduate pupil Kate Wagner makes use of realtors’ photographs of ghastly faux castles focused on the silly and rich as fodder for hilarious […]
Thousands of Londoners have been filmed leaving the capital in fear for their musical sanity this week, as rumours surfaced that Andrew Lloyd Webber intends to carpet bomb the West End with ‘theatrical turds’ from the 1980s. Not since the Great Fire of 1666 have so many people abandoned their homes so readily. One eyewitness […]
After analysing a previously undiscovered picture of Jesus on the beach with his disciples, experts hired by the Daily Mail have been able to draw some shocking conclusions about ‘the bearded, sandal-wearing leftie’ and those he associated with. ‘Close analysis of the picture shows that Mary Magdalene is displaying obvious signs of cellulite,’ wrote lifestyle […]
Vascular surgeons are to change into the primary to have their efficiency knowledge revealed by the NHS, together with info on their handicaps, driving distance, placing accuracy and common bar spend. It will seem within the subsequent version of the Telegraph’s complement. ‘The public have the right to know how their surgeon is performing on the fairways […]
After reviewing footage of Tuesday’s incident in which Luis Suárez appeared to help himself to a chunk of Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini, Fifa has instructed the Uruguay striker’s handlers to ensure that he is ‘fed prior to all future matches’. ‘Ninety minutes is a long time to go without a snack, so it’s understandable that […]