buy two ears, get nose free!

Man wakes to seek out new Tesco in proper earNewsBiscuit

Stephen Bath, a 44 year old Office Manager from Watford was astonished to find that a Tesco Metro Store had opened for business in his ear canal. After waking from a deep sleep suddenly by the sound of beeping checkouts and crashing shopping baskets Stephen frantically searched around for the source of the cacophony before […]

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to lead international conflict resolutionNewsBiscuit

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to guide worldwide battle resolutionNewsBiscuit

The United Nations have announced the appointment of Jeremy Kyle to take up the newly created position of President of the Resolution of International Conflicts (PRIC). The move, sponsored by FoxyBingo.com, sees the smug presenter build on the success of his ITV show, and may also help bring a whole new ‘daytime’ audience to the […]

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Criminals to police themselvesNewsBiscuit | NewsBiscuit

The government is to introduce self-policing for UK law breakers. Unveiling the radical new scheme, government spokesman, Maria Miller, explained; ‘The old saying is ‘it takes a thief to catch a thief’ and this measure is simply an extension of how Parliament itself works. That system has met with such universal approval from the British […]

Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say policeNewsBiscuit

Hatton Garden raid response ‘within guidelines’, say policeNewsBiscuit

Police looking into the hole in the wall at Hatton Garden after a vault heist confirmed that their response is entirely in line with current policy to downgrade minor crimes such as domestic burglary. A police spokesman defended the decision not to inform the vault owner nor investigate the alarm while the robbery was in […]

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Paul Nuttall recollects surviving the Boston Floods of 1571NewsBiscuit

Paul Nuttall, previously resident of Stoke, defined his causes for standing because the UKIP candidate for Boston and Skegness. ‘I was born here, I’ve lived right here all my life and I survived the good flood of 1571,’ he stated right this moment, reflecting on the unhappy lack of his shut buddy and second cousin […]

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Child finds Jesus in her Kinder Surprise™NewsBiscuit

After a fruits of generations of messianic prophecies and the consumption of thousands and thousands of Easter eggs, the Second Coming has ultimately been triggered by toddler from Fleet, Hampshire. Vatican officers are reluctant at this stage to classify this occasion as a miracle however admit it’s actually a ‘surprise’. Madeleine, four, was pretty nonplussed […]

Superheroes are Ridiculous in This Dramatic Reinterpretation of Superman's Origins

Superheroes are Ridiculous in This Dramatic Reinterpretation of Superman's Origins

What a beautiful, foolish man. Image: Warner Bros. Superheroes are, at their core, a mainly foolish concept, pulled from outdated circus heroes and tasked with a everlasting legacy of gimmicks, costumes, and different issues that simply wouldn’t occur in the actual world. In a current video, Studio C dials into all of that absurdity for […]

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Later… with Jools Holland to complete earlier, a lot earlierNewsBiscuit

TV presenter and musician Jools Holland has confirmed his long-running TV present will probably be broadcast: ‘Very early, pre-watershed, in time for me to grab a cocoa and run’.   The presenter has been beneath fireplace for complaining a few native venue that stayed open ‘beyond eight PM’ some nights, however insists he’s proper to anticipate […]

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Hedge Fund Manager dressed as Nurse eligible for NHS payriseNewsBiscuit

Following the proposed pay award to NHS workers, calls are coming from The City of London, demanding will increase of between 95% and 140% of their primary salaries and commissions. Myles Crabbe, a futures dealer with brokers, Winchester and Palmerston, stated:  ‘Look, if normal people like nurses et cetera are getting a bigger wedge, going […]