the British public finally has a choice of dirty partner

Nick Clegg launches sinister courting web site: ‘Salmond, Farage or Me’NewsBiscuit

In attempt to help voters lose their lunch, the Lib Dems have promoted their answer to C4’s ‘The Undateables’. Offering a stark choice of sexual extremes, Nick Clegg has positioned himself as the ‘moderate filling’, sandwiched between the thick, sweaty slabs of the SNP’s Alex Salmond and UKIP’s Nigel Farage. Those online, looking for love, […]

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to lead international conflict resolutionNewsBiscuit

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to guide worldwide battle resolutionNewsBiscuit

The United Nations have announced the appointment of Jeremy Kyle to take up the newly created position of President of the Resolution of International Conflicts (PRIC). The move, sponsored by, sees the smug presenter build on the success of his ITV show, and may also help bring a whole new ‘daytime’ audience to the […]


Criminals to police themselvesNewsBiscuit | NewsBiscuit

The government is to introduce self-policing for UK law breakers. Unveiling the radical new scheme, government spokesman, Maria Miller, explained; ‘The old saying is ‘it takes a thief to catch a thief’ and this measure is simply an extension of how Parliament itself works. That system has met with such universal approval from the British […]

Surprise surprise

Child finds Jesus in her Kinder Surprise™NewsBiscuit

After a fruits of generations of messianic prophecies and the consumption of thousands and thousands of Easter eggs, the Second Coming has ultimately been triggered by toddler from Fleet, Hampshire. Vatican officers are reluctant at this stage to classify this occasion as a miracle however admit it’s actually a ‘surprise’. Madeleine, four, was pretty nonplussed […]


Durex launches new condom for drug mulesNewsBiscuit

Durex has launched a brand new kind of condom after consulting with its focus group of worldwide drug traffickers. Com[an spokesman Alan Cranford mentioned: ‘We’ve assured them we take their issues about burst condoms very critically. Especially after they made throat-cutting gestures at us and confirmed us photographs of corpses hanging from meat-hooks’. ‘We’ve provide you […]


New British Passports to be Written in FrenchNewsBiscuit

The superb new post-EU British passports are to be written in French and all passport photographs are to have berets and baguettes superimposed onto the homeowners.  The title on the quilt will controversially be written as ‘Passeport de la Rosbifs.’ Angry Brexiteers demanded manufacture of the passports be taken off the French and be manufactured […]


Leaving clean voicemails to grow to be capital offenceNewsBiscuit

The change is assumed to have been prompted by the annoyance felt by the Lord Chef Justice that individuals stored doing it to him : ‘Only the other day, I came out of the High Court, turned my phone back on and saw I had a voicemail.  So I listened as that stupid automated voice […]