Conservatives and Lib Dems unmasked in sham marriage clampdownNewsBiscuit

Conservatives and Lib Dems unmasked in sham marriage clampdownNewsBiscuit

A Church of England crackdown on sham marriages has raised fundamental questions about the union of David Cameron and Nick Clegg who were married in a civil ceremony in May last year. ‘Unfortunately there will always be unscrupulous couples out there who are prepared to abuse the office of political matrimony and enter into a […]

the British public finally has a choice of dirty partner

Nick Clegg launches sinister courting web site: ‘Salmond, Farage or Me’NewsBiscuit

In attempt to help voters lose their lunch, the Lib Dems have promoted their answer to C4’s ‘The Undateables’. Offering a stark choice of sexual extremes, Nick Clegg has positioned himself as the ‘moderate filling’, sandwiched between the thick, sweaty slabs of the SNP’s Alex Salmond and UKIP’s Nigel Farage. Those online, looking for love, […]

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to lead international conflict resolutionNewsBiscuit

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to guide worldwide battle resolutionNewsBiscuit

The United Nations have announced the appointment of Jeremy Kyle to take up the newly created position of President of the Resolution of International Conflicts (PRIC). The move, sponsored by FoxyBingo.com, sees the smug presenter build on the success of his ITV show, and may also help bring a whole new ‘daytime’ audience to the […]

Burglar-Bill-001

Criminals to police themselvesNewsBiscuit | NewsBiscuit

The government is to introduce self-policing for UK law breakers. Unveiling the radical new scheme, government spokesman, Maria Miller, explained; ‘The old saying is ‘it takes a thief to catch a thief’ and this measure is simply an extension of how Parliament itself works. That system has met with such universal approval from the British […]

Trading on the raw sex appeal of Peter Sallis.

Top Gear producers angrily deny any resemblance to Last of the Summer WineNewsBiscuit

The writers and stars of loosely car-based sitcom Top Gear have furiously denied stealing their ideas from Roy Clarke’s long-running show Last of the Summer Wine. ‘Our programme features three old gits, at odds with the modern world, who react to their powerlessness by retreating into a second childhood. How on earth is that similar […]

Pensioners helpfully reminded ‘your days are numbered’NewsBiscuit

Pensioners helpfully reminded ‘your days are numbered’NewsBiscuit

Pensions Minister Steve Webb has proposed that all of the UK’s OAPs should be given a stark reality check in terms of life expectancy. Mr Webb’s understandable concern is that the elderly are unaware of their own mortality and that previous attempts to pursue them with dark storm clouds, circling vultures and ‘a dyspeptic hobgoblin […]

paul-nuttall

Paul Nuttall recollects surviving the Boston Floods of 1571NewsBiscuit

Paul Nuttall, previously resident of Stoke, defined his causes for standing because the UKIP candidate for Boston and Skegness. ‘I was born here, I’ve lived right here all my life and I survived the good flood of 1571,’ he stated right this moment, reflecting on the unhappy lack of his shut buddy and second cousin […]

Surprise surprise

Child finds Jesus in her Kinder Surprise™NewsBiscuit

After a fruits of generations of messianic prophecies and the consumption of thousands and thousands of Easter eggs, the Second Coming has ultimately been triggered by toddler from Fleet, Hampshire. Vatican officers are reluctant at this stage to classify this occasion as a miracle however admit it’s actually a ‘surprise’. Madeleine, four, was pretty nonplussed […]

melania trump heidi cruz

Republican wives’ bare mud wrestling bout will settle which one is bestNewsBiscuit

After all the mud-slinging of recent weeks Republican wives are stepping up to the mark to help their husbands gain ground in the nomination contest. With public rallies, TV debates and high velocity media campaigns seen to be doing more harm than good to the last remaining Republican candidates, Melania Trump and Heidi Nelson Cruz […]