Conservatives and Lib Dems unmasked in sham marriage clampdownNewsBiscuit

Conservatives and Lib Dems unmasked in sham marriage clampdownNewsBiscuit

A Church of England crackdown on sham marriages has raised fundamental questions about the union of David Cameron and Nick Clegg who were married in a civil ceremony in May last year. ‘Unfortunately there will always be unscrupulous couples out there who are prepared to abuse the office of political matrimony and enter into a […]

BMW

Driverless automobiles not obnoxious sufficient, says BMWNewsBiscuit

The German automotive producer admits it is going to be onerous to design their automated automobiles to be as conceited and ill-mannered as their flesh and blood drivers have at all times been. “We’re hesitant about launching a driverless car that might treat other road users with consideration and courtesy”, admits board member Hans Fesch. […]

the British public finally has a choice of dirty partner

Nick Clegg launches sinister courting web site: ‘Salmond, Farage or Me’NewsBiscuit

In attempt to help voters lose their lunch, the Lib Dems have promoted their answer to C4’s ‘The Undateables’. Offering a stark choice of sexual extremes, Nick Clegg has positioned himself as the ‘moderate filling’, sandwiched between the thick, sweaty slabs of the SNP’s Alex Salmond and UKIP’s Nigel Farage. Those online, looking for love, […]

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to lead international conflict resolutionNewsBiscuit

UN appoint Jeremy Kyle to guide worldwide battle resolutionNewsBiscuit

The United Nations have announced the appointment of Jeremy Kyle to take up the newly created position of President of the Resolution of International Conflicts (PRIC). The move, sponsored by FoxyBingo.com, sees the smug presenter build on the success of his ITV show, and may also help bring a whole new ‘daytime’ audience to the […]

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Criminals to police themselvesNewsBiscuit | NewsBiscuit

The government is to introduce self-policing for UK law breakers. Unveiling the radical new scheme, government spokesman, Maria Miller, explained; ‘The old saying is ‘it takes a thief to catch a thief’ and this measure is simply an extension of how Parliament itself works. That system has met with such universal approval from the British […]

Trading on the raw sex appeal of Peter Sallis.

Top Gear producers angrily deny any resemblance to Last of the Summer WineNewsBiscuit

The writers and stars of loosely car-based sitcom Top Gear have furiously denied stealing their ideas from Roy Clarke’s long-running show Last of the Summer Wine. ‘Our programme features three old gits, at odds with the modern world, who react to their powerlessness by retreating into a second childhood. How on earth is that similar […]

Surprise surprise

Child finds Jesus in her Kinder Surprise™NewsBiscuit

After a fruits of generations of messianic prophecies and the consumption of thousands and thousands of Easter eggs, the Second Coming has ultimately been triggered by toddler from Fleet, Hampshire. Vatican officers are reluctant at this stage to classify this occasion as a miracle however admit it’s actually a ‘surprise’. Madeleine, four, was pretty nonplussed […]

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Durex launches new condom for drug mulesNewsBiscuit

Durex has launched a brand new kind of condom after consulting with its focus group of worldwide drug traffickers. Com[an spokesman Alan Cranford mentioned: ‘We’ve assured them we take their issues about burst condoms very critically. Especially after they made throat-cutting gestures at us and confirmed us photographs of corpses hanging from meat-hooks’. ‘We’ve provide you […]

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Man leaving Facebook stays on Facebook to see who else is leaving FacebookNewsBiscuit

A person who says he’s leaving Facebook continues to be on Facebook as a result of he needs to see who else is leaving earlier than he leaves Facebook, which he undoubtedly will. He posted: ‘I am definitely leaving eventually, but I’m undoubtedly not going first and all my associates who’ve stated they’re leaving haven’t […]

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Later… with Jools Holland to complete earlier, a lot earlierNewsBiscuit

TV presenter and musician Jools Holland has confirmed his long-running TV present will probably be broadcast: ‘Very early, pre-watershed, in time for me to grab a cocoa and run’.   The presenter has been beneath fireplace for complaining a few native venue that stayed open ‘beyond eight PM’ some nights, however insists he’s proper to anticipate […]