Election was swung by Dan’s tweet, agrees everyoneNewsBiscuit

Gower residents haven’t been in any respect stunned to study that the 2017 election defeat of Conservative MP Byron Davies was brought on by an apparently defamatory tweet by Dan from Swansea. ‘Our Byron won Gower from Labour by a resounding 27 votes in 2015′, Betty from Pennard revealed. ‘We were all delighted, and you […]

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‘Action’ to be launched in bid to make cricket interestingNewsBiscuit

The MCC are contemplating vital adjustments to widen the attraction of cricket, together with the suggestion that sometimes ‘something ought to happen.’ The transfer is considered one of a package deal of measures being thought of by the ECB in an try to make the sport extra accessible to anybody who isn’t white and retired […]

Sun drives man to hunt drinkNewsBiscuit

A person in his early 30s was noticed changing into more and more distressed this afternoon. Earlier, Simon Jenkins, noting the great climate, started emailing work colleagues at round 1pm to see if anybody ‘fancied a pint’ after work. Unable to pin anybody down within the workplace,  Simon moved on to messaging associates, then acquaintances, […]

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Government Chief Scientist confirms supply of burning sensation affecting nationNewsBiscuit

The Government’s Chief Scientific Adviser, Dr Robert Mitchell, has printed a report indicating that the almost certainly trigger for the burning sensation affecting thousands and thousands of Brits this week is in truth the Sun, the star round which the planet orbits. Millions of Britains have expressed their alarm concerning the sudden breakout of heat […]

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Police to introduce controversial ‘Stop and Deport’NewsBiscuit

In an effort to curb black British residents committing paperwork crime, police have been given controversial ‘stop and deport’ powers to make use of on anybody that appears like they’re circuitously descended from King Arthur. ‘We’re not concentrating on anyone group particularly.’ mentioned one police boss, ‘Well apart from the black one of course. If […]

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I used to be popping out of the junction anyway, confirms Audi driverNewsBiscuit

An Audi driver who you helpfully flashed to come back out of a busy junction onto a important highway in entrance of you in rush hour site visitors this morning, was going to come back out anyway, it has been confirmed. The speedy double flash of your headlights, autopilot-like deceleration and altering down of gears […]

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Woman calculates she must be “post death” after weekend booze bingeNewsBiscuit

Following the publication of a report exhibiting that consuming one alcohol drink per day takes sooner or later off your life expectancy, Tracey Andrews, 34, has calculated that her weekend binge consuming session in Skegness resulted in a “negative” life expectancy. Andrews defined, “I’m on borrowed time. I should have died on Saturday night – […]

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Bastard scarcity hits Home Office recruitmentNewsBiscuit

The Home Secretary has mentioned scarcity of uncaring bastards has brought on a scarcity of workers on the Home Office. Amber Rudd defined that ‘There are thousands of people who have lived blameless lives in the UK for decades who have yet to receive letters threatening to deport them. This simply because we don’t have […]

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Wetherspoon bans readingNewsBiscuit | NewsBiscuit

Following their choice to withdraw from social media, the pub chain has signalled its intention to roll again on the economic age, medieval agrarian reform and ‘washing in winter’. A spokesman for Tim Martin insisted that the web was the work of the evil goblins and that Spotify was the satan ‘spunking in your ear’. […]

NOTE ALTERNATE CROP Mayor of London Boris Johnson salutes from the deck of the tall ship Tenacious, which is moored at Woolwich, in east London, as part of the month long Totally Thames festival.

Boris Johnson discovered responsible of not being Boris JohnsonNewsBiscuit

A person who has been passing himself off as a bumbling politician for the previous twenty years is at this time beginning a 3 12 months jail sentence after having been convicted of a number of cases of deception. “Foreign Secretary”, Boris Johnson, by no means went to Oxford or Eton it has been revealed. […]