oh, go on, please?!

Nation’s husbands name for lawnmower banNewsBiscuit

Four UK water companies have lifted the last hosepipe bans, triggering calls by Britain’s husbands to introduce a lawnmower ban instead in order to prevent dangerous levels of nagging about the state of the nation’s gardens. Abnormal levels of rainfall during the recent drought have left gardens across the UK in a state of parlous […]

Vatican launches Home Exorcism KitNewsBiscuit

Pope Benedict XVI has given his seal of approval for a special self-exorcism kit that members of the general public can use to tackle their own personal demons. The kit, comprising of bell, book and candle, plus a special phial of holy water blessed by the Pope himself, will be available from the Vatican home […]

Radio four geneticists create Moral MaizeNewsBiscuit

Geneticists working for BBC Radio 4 have finally unveiled the first GM foodstuff that can improve the ethical behaviour of consumers, known as ‘moral maize’. The maize, developed at a secret research site on the roof of the BBC’s Broadcasting House in London, will make those who eat it better, kinder, more patient, less prone […]

Usain Bolt checks constructive for a Morris OxfordNewsBiscuit

The London Olympics were hit by another scandal last night as the world’s fastest man, Usain Bolt, was found to have significant amounts of chromium in his blood after having ingested an entire Morris Oxford, Series VI. Drug testing agency WADA made the discovery after being tipped off by Guildford pensioner Harold Winter, 68, who noticed […]

Viva les rosbifs!

Tour de France newest: Yorkshire people ‘adopting French ways’NewsBiscuit

The population of Yorkshire has really taken the Tour de France to heart and is beginning to adopt French mannerisms and tastes as a result, according to reports coming in from ‘God’s own County’. ‘They’re beginning to act funny peculiar,’ said Dr James Braine of Sheffield University. ‘Several Yorkshire eateries are giving their dishes French […]

physicists allowing themselves an extra scotch egg for lunch, as a bonus

Scientists hail first sighting of elusive bankers’ moralsNewsBiscuit

Jubilant scientists in CERN have confirmed the first known sighting of the infinitesimally small ‘collective conscience of the bankers’, after a hunt lasting many years. ‘We knew one banker, somewhere, must have had a pang of guilt at least once,’ declared an exhausted and delighted spokesman. ‘All it took to find it was several billion […]

Taylor Swift rapidly reinforcing her defences

Taliban launch comeback tour with enormous bangNewsBiscuit

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, or in this case ‘a bicameral national legislature, comprising of two chambers’, it turns out it’s not. Like a blast from the past, or at least the detonation of a car bomb, the world’s favourite pantomime villains have returned with a cover-version […]

no job too big or small

Duchess of Cambridge to hold out subsequent Texas executionNewsBiscuit

The Duchess of Cambridge is to carry out the next US execution, pencilled in for early July, Buckingham Palace has confirmed. The execution is part of a busy calendar for Kate, which has recently seen her opening the refurbished Bletchley Park, attend the Garter Day ceremony at Windsor Castle and spend a day at Royal […]

Daily Mail admits secretly fracking for vitriol after reserves run dryNewsBiscuit

Despite raising fears about the impact that shale gas fracking will have on the nation’s health, the Daily Mail has been forced to concede that it had embarked on its own secret fracking campaign after its reserves of vitriol began to run low. The paper has resorted to generating a series of explosions of outrage deep […]