Novichock

Couple in crucial situation after being uncovered to ‘pure brexit’NewsBiscuit

A person and girl discovered unconscious in Wiltshire could have come into contact with, what chemists are describing as a compound created from ‘Voldemort’s nostril, Freddy Krueger’s finger nails and Nigel Farage’s bile duct’. The noxious substance is so lethal that it may destroy all life as we all know it, or for the residents […]

Biscuits

Cabinet near consensus on biscuits as Chequers crunch talks loomNewsBiscuit

Mrs May has greeted the primary indicators of cupboard unity with enthusiasm saying that the essential elevenses biscuit choices for Friday’s talks could also be reached as ‘early as Thursday.’ With no fastened timetable for espresso breaks on the discuss, and the seating plan in disarray – primarily on account of unanimous refusal to sit […]

Boris

Cave rescue newest: divers now trying to find final of Boris’s integrityNewsBiscuit

Divers in Thailand are persevering with to discover miles under the floor of a flooded cave system in what’s being known as ‘Mission Impossible’ – a long-odds search to find the ultimate scraps of any of Boris Johnson’s integrity. ‘After finding the school party, we got a little over-confident,’ admitted one rescue employee. ‘We found […]

Space Microscope

New Giant Space Microscope Will Bring New InsightsNewsBiscuit

Contrary to standard false impression, these insights won’t be high-resolution views of pubs; these are in fact merely inn-sights. This new piece of mega-expensive high-tech package will give the scientific group – and thus finally us riffraff – a brand new understanding of the universe, however of its future, slightly than of its previous. Because […]

eggs

Authorities warn: “Stop frying eggs on car bonnets”NewsBiscuit

Health and security bosses have blamed tabloids for the epidemic of out of doors frying in site visitors gridlock, with circumstances reported of full English breakfasts scorching on Toyota bonnets. “Papers like the Sun keep telling people it’s hot enough to fry an egg on a car”, complained NHS hygiene skilled Lance Benhurst. “But you […]

file-20180621-137711-12wwqyz

Britain to decide out of actuality as an alternative of EUNewsBiscuit

After two years of debate, the federal government has selected Realixit as an “easier and smoother” different to Brexit. A courier firm was seen unloading the largest consignment of psychedelic medication ever seen in Westminster at the moment, which a authorities spokesman says ought to guarantee “a total withdrawal from reality, once the effects start […]

shutterstock_461613844-e1528948501164

JD Wetherspoon evokes Queen to launch ships with cartons of milkNewsBiscuit

Like a rut-ready Ram browsing a wave of pyroclastic patriotism, JD Wetherspoon introduced final week that they’re chopping Champagne and European booze post-Brexit in favour of bottles of Blighty’s greatest home-brews, together with: ‘Beached Whale Ale’ and ‘Yellow snow IPA’. A Wetherspoon spokesbody defined, ‘The UK is the leading export market for Champagne which will […]